Nighttime Personalities Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

TV's prominent entertainers spent their evening criticizing President Donald Trump's just announced visa initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," describing it as a clear pay-for-access scheme for the rich.

The Late Show's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert presented a mock holiday tune directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "The President ... destroys each thing he touches."

Colbert's target was the new plan that permits international nationals to acquire U.S. legal status for a sum of one million dollars, with a "platinum" version for $5 million. The program's page guarantees approval "with unprecedented speed."

"One message here to affluent foreigners: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert joked.

He noted that the scheme is also meant to "get cash" from companies looking to hire skilled workers, requiring hefty costs. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your choice – provided that it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"The best vetting the government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these people absolutely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will permit wealthy international individuals to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"Maybe it's time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the lack of detail of the form, observing it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Economic Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining approval ratings during economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he said.

This week, in a effort to tackle prices, Trump held a press conference in front of a array of food items, and reacted strangely to boxes of cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking right-leaning media arguments of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he joked.