🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.